When I’m in my depression lows, past incidents re-play, darkness becomes my only life. If you want to call this “life”. Life’s a confusing term that’s more or like an oxymoron “Life & Death”. Apparently the confusion being “am I really living” can’t be fully comprehended since by definition I don’t know what life is to be. It’s just another opinion by another human being. My life is a complete fogged over haze of uncertainty. I can’t seem to grasp life, or settle into “my” life. It’s a jumbled mess and full of chaos and anxiety. Thoughts swirl around me and I am […]

I can’t stand my life
I wanna die
can’t really find some will to live
i feel like shit
I wanna find someway out of this
just got the jist inside my mind
im out of licks
why do I find myself in this mess
I cant feel like this
why
why did I come across you
ahhh

godda fine some way out my mind
godda find somebody to give me time
why
why
why can’t i reach you I’m blind
I juat want someone to know
I found myself
I juat want aomeone to knlw
I loat my home
I juat want someone tl hold

I can get assorted downers, weed, and of course I’ve been making plain old alcohol for the better part of a decade now. I’ve been telling others they shouldn’t do this kind of stuff for a long time because it’ll most likely be a ***** to get out of after, not to mention the chance of getting arrested and everything else. I’m finding myself more and more into drinking the feelings away and have been mixing that with otc depressants to push it further for the last couple of months though. Could take that next step. Might even be able to sell some drugs for […]

What can I do? I don’t want to take these pills anymore, they are killing me but in a way I am addicted to them. Is there any solution? I tried some, they don’t work. Nobody helps.

coming soon.

How do you deal with yourself when yourself is bludgeoning yourself to death? All I can think about is being no more. A stuck record 24 hrs a day….do it…end it…kill yourself. No more…..

i hate being high so much i miss you i need you why is everthing so fucked its all my fault

i was with K today, fun times.

it’s so easy to feel joy, that i don’t understand any reasons behind my feelings any longer. none of these emotions last, but when i feel needed for being focused on in a positive way, the since of belonging comes back. i’m scared of the joy escaping between my fingertips, however nothing stays the same way forever, neither pain or happiness.

i think they liked talking to me, being at school is truly rather fun to be in than to be stuck in a state of mind with myself arguing, telling myself different things that would eventually get me confused. […]

I don’t know how to process anything intellectually or emotionally or have a handle on what I believe in mind or heart.At times I think that I have gained a perspective only to lose it to its opposite.

Part of me thinks I should just choose something regardless of whether it is correct or not as having a world view and a set view of self would simplify my existence greatly, but it is not my nature.

My confusion makes stability untenable, therefore growth damned near impossible.

I am stuck in a vortex of their own making. I am a fool and an embarrassment.

I look at that chair […]

Last night my boyfriend and I got into a fight. It was stupid. And he hurt me so bad, that I am now trying, heeding to find ways to change how I look, and who I am.

It all started on Tuesday. He asked me if I was busy Thursday night, I said yes I am. He all of a sudden started acting upset/mad. I’m thinking it is probably because he can’t hang with me. I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t wanna fight with him. Wednesday, he started ignoring me. Thursday, last night, he still ignored me. He knew I was pissed and […]

My life is falling apart. I lost a partner for no reason, there is so much crap going on in my friend group and I got involved on the wrong side by mistake. Now if I tell anyone about it my social life will go down the drain. I lasted 4 years with minimal self harm, and then it was only bites. Recently though, I’ve started cutting myself. My arm is already slit up and I cant tell anyone about it. I know it’s wrong but somehow knowing the physical pain will heal and go away makes better sense and gives me a kind of […]

I often think about how life is such a waste… a wealth of experience that culminates to nothing. Every day is intended to bring grandeur to the next or a day in the far future, and how useless it all feels… There are things I desire, some burn with feverish intensity… but then it all feels useless, as though its achievement is nothing more than a formality of life. What use is experience if it is unbearable, endless and ultimately unproductive? I could throw it all away, everything I’ve worked for… but then what is achieved? I could fulfill the purpose I’ve initiated, but when […]

the only reason im alive is because everytime i think about killing myself or take actions towards it, i get flashforwards to him repeatedly calling me and breaking down because im not there to pick up anymore and i dont want to break him anymore than i already have. its delaying the inevitable and i fucking hate it but i need to protect him always. he means the entire world to me

i almost lost a friend to suicide. it has changed my view now knowing how much fear and pain runs through you in the situation i was going to put my loved ones through.

I appreciate those who choose the way
They are so brave
I wish i have that much of brave
But avtially im jist getiing smaller amd shrink
I poor myself because of the path i choose
Mau parents always tell what to do
But if i think again…
Im part of that fault
Cause I dont try my best to persuade them
Cause I dont try my best to tell them what i love to do
Im ended up here
Tainted and hurt
Everything I love already gone with the thin air
I hate myself
I hate how i look amd smile
And trying to […]

I Think I’ve figured out how
How to let you go and let communication die out

I know you know we know you weren’t down for forever and it’s fine

I know you know we know we weren’t meant for each other and it’s fine

I Think I’ve figured out how
How to think about you without it rippin’ my heart out

Every so often I get a reminder of how bad existence in this world can really get. A common theme is a depiction of someone burning to death. Today it was a film clip of someone caught in the blast of a nuclear explosion. Apparently, if you’re a certain distance from the centre, you don’t get vaporised, but it’s so hot that everything around you catches on fire – your hair, your clothes, everything. Now obviously this was played up for dramatic effect, but the level of agony, terror, and sheer animal desperation depicted on this character’s face rang true.

Every time I come across something […]

Ted Talks – Near Death Experience

half a year ago, i overcame the fear, self loath and reached to her for help, with nothing in return. “if you’re so depressed, you know you can go to therapy without your mother?”that was what my closest friend said to me.

it’s so selfish for me, but i want to be sick, cancer or some incurable disease. i want someone to take my life away, instead of me doing it to myself. the result is clear–she would, or people around me would feel like it’s somehow their fault if i took my own life, but that’s not the case. this shell, this person, the thoughts, […]

I’ve missed out on so many life experiences, I have no idea how to function as an adult, my mind is trapped at a young age. And the worst part is, this is beyond my control. We cannot control how others treat us, we cannot fake “confidence” without being confident in the first place. My place is in a grave, and the sooner this happens, the sooner I don’t have to feel pain anymore.

Call me pathetic, but it hurts my heart. I wish someone could romantically cuddle up to me… I haven’t had any feelings reciprocated before. Needn’t comment on this part though, my problems […]