I’m so tired.

Tired of me.

Tired of life.

Tired of everything.

This is just too much.

My soul is so tired.

I just want to rest.

Why can’t I just rest?

I know that I can’t.

But.. why?

Everything is too much..

I’m… Just so tired..

i can’t take failures anymore, anything bad honestly. last weekend depression fucked me so hard i could barely get out of my bed.

stayed up to 5am to finish my essay, it’s late now, 50% marks.

i managed to fuck up the last class i was doing good in, i worked so hard to get a 94, my only A i think to be honest, nope fucked it up. i tried to get things better by doing school work, drawing, even eating. nothing helps, not the suicide prevention chats, not the nature, not recordings of myself out of the state of mind telling my future self that […]

So…I should kill myself, because I’m a worthless piece of shit. But I’m not going to, because I’m a coward. Which leaves me having to face my own worthless shittiness.

The obvious solution would be to stop being such a worthless piece of shit. But that’s easier said than done. My instinct is to be that way. When I try to do otherwise, it feels worse. It’s like the wrongness in me is constantly fighting to be expressed. Constantly suppressing it is an effort I’m just not motivated to maintain.

So, realistically, I’m not going to change. I’m not going to kill myself. I’m just going to […]

Just procured some Trainwreck strain of marijuana. 100 euros worth to be precise. Things are bad, real bad, this will help if only for a few hours. It’s ironic the strain is named Trainwreck considering I think more and more of suicide by train with each passing day. Anyway gonna spark up a joint and escape from the unbearable reality of my life for the evening.

No matter what the occasion. I looked for cup holders i didnt find any, stop being a little *****. I want to do the dishes you should stop being a ***** or i wont keep giving you passes before i fuck you up. If i help clwan when i know shes stressed she will find a way to lash out at me. If i buy the groceries cover the bills and work 3 jobs im still a *****. What will it take for me to not be a ***** anymore?
What is it i can do that stops the slur of insults to my person […]

Sometimes its best for them if they dont know. They dont need to know im suicidal again. He doesnt need to know i tried to jump out of a moving vehical. He doesnt need to know failing that i tried to cause an accident to make him let me go.

No one NEEDS to know.

When you reach your last day on earth and you look back at your life, does it seem strange that this is all there was? Working every day, feeling exhausted all weekend, going back to work every day, paying bills, doing all that god-forsaken math to balance your budget, with brief moments of spontaneous enjoyment like little rays of sunshine piercing through an otherwise stifling room? Well, at least you got to stack some boxes every day at work for 25, 30 years, and at least you got a change of scenery every time you changed jobs or got laid off. At least you got […]

I had suicide ideation now for a good year now. All I see is darkness and nothing else. It feels like I am alone and that no one is ever there for me. Ever since my EX broke up with me I felt my whole world becoming filled with more and more darkness. It’s now gotten to the point i cut my wrists on a daily basis to try and get rid of my emotional pain but it doesn’t seem to work. I also tried to take up alcoholism to drink away the pain but that didn’t seem to work either. Now all I see […]

I cant say much because I dont want to label and pinpoint people I went out shopping grocery shopping with mother and had a horrible day I want to get a New PTSD diagnosis from doctor for heavier meds Ptsd and just plain peace of mind Just so much rage and Hate towards my father and his side of the Family their super super Mexicany Here in Cali we call em “Paisas” Well im more of a Alternative chick with ties to gangster guys then theres the mainstream crowd the Young Mexican crowd doesnt like me, And I dont like them………………    Not at all […]

My life is a mess. My father is an end stage renal failure patient, detected in the month of August 2016. Since then i don’t know where my life’s heading. My mother is old and we all are living together in a place away from my hometown due to my job posting. My aunt stays with us too. I am nearing 40 yrs, not married and I have decided not to. My father has to undergo home dialysis four times each day. During my stay at office in the day, my aunt helps him, who is completely bed ridden,  to perform the dialysis. I return […]

I lost my youth.
I’m older now, while time eats away my energy soon it will consume my fate.
Life doesn’t teach anything. Only death speaks truth. Brings emotion that’s beyond life itself. I envy the dead. There is no righteousness or reason to abide by morals in this common Society.

Dont do this/dont say that, right and wrong, good and bad.
Let’s not censor the barbaric nature of humanity for it is, who we are. Always have always will. The only way to get you’re point across is to be violent.
Yet words can be just as dangerous, sadly it cant defend you […]

My heart was broken again today. I can’t believe I’m back to this shit again. Why do people play sick love games and lie to each other. We all complain about being so lonely all the time and try to find these connections and acceptance, but we don’t. Why the fuck is that? Our world has never been full of so many people; Technology has made it so simple to communicate across the fucking globe if we so wished. Yet still, we can’t find not one person that accepts us? Why not!?

We are too busy judging one another and setting these ridiculously high standards; hating […]

I feel worthless.

Someone under the username of PPPP3, or they possibly only had 3 ps. I don’t care to go look. Anyway. They made me feel shitty. For something I didn’t even mean to come off as doing. They called me things I’ve never been called before. Ever. I’ve always been called things like compassionate, friendly, humble, lovely even. The bad things I’ve been called have always just been solely based on my appearance and only coming from my mom…..thanks for making me feel shitty? I know where I stand and what my intentions were. I deleted the survey. Threw it in the trash. I […]

life is really some flipping sick joke

My life has gotten so fucking terrible lately, it’s funny just because of how ridiculously horrible it is. I’m finally ready to die, and have figured out a way to kill myself. I don’t think I’m gonna make it to the year 2020, and everyone else would be better off without me.

I know people would miss me and cry over me and shit, but I hold everyone back, and that’s just a fact you can’t avoid. I have suffered almost every mental illness that exists, and I feel like I’m in a point in life right before death: I know I’m about to die, so […]

you say you do, but you put my step and half siblings first. i was gone for 18 years. you say you love me. you say you thought of me everyday and yet i havent heard from you in over a year. not a hi or how are you. NOTHING! oh well. in the meantime i got married and bought a place. but you dont know anything about that. some dad you are. so excited to message me when i turned 18 you couldnt even wait 1 more day. you messaged me a day early….well…where are you now? sending your girlfriend to do it? really? […]

If I went back to who I was, what is the worst that could happen. The old me was so happy just living. Yet for some reason i’m scared of being normal again. It’s been years since I was happy just being alive and going through the motions of life. Then it took one girl to unravel my life, that’s bullshit and I know it. Still there’s something holding me back…

For a while, I was becoming something. I was becoming somebody that my Mother could be proud of.

For a while.

Now I am working towards nothing. I have become a fucking loser, a waste of fucking space, a fucking burden. And I have nothing to fucking live for, yet I have convinced myself that I do not want to kill myself. I spend all fucking day at home shooting the shit, pitying myself for what I have fucking become. I have become fucking worthless.

I want to just go. I want to go as far away as possible and keep fucking going until I find the farthest […]

Sword and Shield, soon coming out.

Yes EVERYONE. Including YOU. I don’t wanna hear “I don’t hate you” or “I don’t even know you” cause it’s all bs. I know you enjoy watching me suffer on the TV. Don’t think I haven’t caught on that my life is a TV show where whoever is running my show pushes to make me as miserable as possible, sometimes beyond the point of suicide. But of course I survive because if I died, you’d have nothing to watch.

Are you enjoying watching me suffer? Does the mere thought of everything that’s happened in my life turn you on? Obviously it does cause I’m still suffering. […]