Not too long ago I made a post about suspecting something was wrong with me other than depression. Tonight, I figured out what it is:
My ability to empathize with others is damaged. Im so self-absorbed that I dont even see it. So selfish that this ephiphany shocks me to my core.
Something must be wrong with my conceptualization of love.
the hardest obstacle is self-hatred, because when you hate yourself, you settle for people who don’t care about you or treat you well. Some resort to drugs or alcohol. Friends and family become distanced, and inside, you call yourself a loser/piece of trash, and you start to feel like you aren’t worth anyone’s time. You just want to smash the mirror and destroy the Monstrous addictive freak staring back at you. “My family thinks I’ve ruined my life. I’ve become *the one* with issues. Weird, different.”
“I look horrible in that photo, I’m an unlovable monster”
it’s something nobody else can fill in for you. And […]
My eyes roll back, my tongue hardens, balling up in my throat.
I choke on my body, every finger feels alone. As if somebody is pouring their voice into my mind, humming a drone which washes over me like I’m being boiled alive, I reeel repeatedly, awash sans sensation save an echoing of separation.
Like a hand to the face, or a soft bucket of cold water, my senses return, the highways of mind occupy themselves once more.
Defenseless, totally vulnerable to otherworldly nothing, unreasonable in any fashion.
/~\\
(Abandoned places)
https://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/transition.html
https://www.bmj.com/content/341/bmj.c3222
https://www.uptodate.com/contents/suicidal-ideation-and-behavior-in-adults/print
https://drjonicewebb.com/how-to-deal-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents/
https://www.wikihow.com/Accept-That-Your-Parents-Don%27t-Understand-You
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pantone_448_C
(here- […]
why have things been getting worse? they were looking up just a handful of weeks ago, i feel dreadful. i haven’t hyperventilated this much since i was in grade school, and i’m always on the brink of tears each hour of the day.
i don’t mean anything to anyone, how could i let my guard down and be tricked like that? i feel so dumb, so stupid! i don’t have anyone i could talk to, not even crisis people can help me. no one wants to be around me.
no one takes me seriously anymore when i say i’m sad, im sure as hell everyone thinks i’m […]
I’m tired. That’s how most of my depressed writings begin. I’m trying really hard. I read a book on happiness. I’m trying to focus on the good. I want to feel anything at all. I’ve stopped enjoying things. The thing I realised is, my brain is not well. My mood does not cooperate, no matter how hard I try. Happy comes and goes, at random. I think I’m addicted to unhappiness. Writing this is hard because I can’t sift out a sense of self anymore. I’ve lost a future. I’ve lost something that gave me meaning. I was in love, and now I’m not. I […]
we begin at the end because theres no way in hell im going back to the beginning. ill take that secret to the grave. lets begin at the end and keep it short.
the ‘cure’ was supposed to be love. yeah another fucking moron who thought love is the cure. can you blame me, can you blame any of us, for believing that nonsense? the way its rammed down our throats before we can even read, the way its rammed down our throats in countless books, movies, poems, and every ridiculous pop jingle on the radio. can you blame any one of us for being so […]
It seems to me that the overwhelming majority of the suffering that I’ve experienced in my life comes from frustrated desire. From feeling or believing that something is really important and I should do something to attain it, yet simultaneously feeling or believing that it is beyond my reach. Beyond my reach, but not totally impossible. There’s just enough hope there that I can still torture myself with imagining that if I just found the right way, it could somehow be fulfilled. But never enough that it feels tangible, or really worth pursuing.
It’s such a waste of life and emotion. But I’ve never known how […]
Mom’s heart surgery. Right now. Pray if you want. I gotta make a two hour drive down there because she wanted me to stay behind and wait for her to return.
I really dont know what to do anymore … i never lived a single good day, i have no personality or ambition, always lonely, no love life and never will have. Im hopeless about everything, i dont know what people see about life it seems like a prison sentence, a loan that death gives us with high interest. I have no interest, only work seems to give me some relief even if i hate it … i never did nothing right i just wish i could start over and do everything right this time. I should keep going or just end it?
I was supposed to start a new project last week, so seven days ago I stayed up all night, because the project is going to involve working overnights…. and when I woke up the next afternoon there was no project. I spent the week working on little other stuff, because essential material has yet to be delivered. I even worked Saturday, something I almost never do.
I’m not really complaining, a week where I barely went to work is not that much of a hardship… it’s the symbolism here. I’ve worked really hard, and in most cases the thing I prepared for haven’t happened. I got […]
ive been having these thoughts for a while now, (probably 1-3ish years. i know i should get help. please just. i don’t care. listen to me) and i have acted on them a few times. i feel stupid because my life is probably good compared to others’ (kinda hard to judge when youre biased) and i think im faking having depression though ive hidden it. why would i fake it if no one else cares or knows?
but either way ive tried to act on those thoughts but i never went through. im too much of a coward to tell others, or to […]
The same shit all the time. My family argues in the car, sister all over me and not giving me any room, same “turn another leaf” bs. Same lack of understanding. Same lack of caring. I think about jumping out the car all the time, I wonder if they’d even care. But they dont drive fast enough to cause anything major, I don’t think.
I have no one. I’m so tired. Every morning I wake up and think “why the hell bother”
I get in this mood on sundays pretty often. Mainly because of the same bs that happens all the time in the car, and having […]
if my sister wasnt home id do it tonight. they’re going to hawaii next month and i hope to do it then. im a lost cause. im even more determined not to fail because im never going to allow myself to be hospitalized again. if i cant be happy even after trying to get help im not putting in any more effort. my family speaks about my problems behind my back but won’t even acknowledge my feelings, im losing my damn mind. i heard them saying something about her calling the cops on me and something happend where my dad was trying to convince my […]
why is it so hard now that im older? joining things like random chats dull the loneliness for only a short bit, and im sure its going to be more tough once im back in school.
no one really talks to me nowadays, unless its about art i owe them. ive made up so many characters in my mind, things that make me feel cared for.. but only for a while. im not insane, i know they’re not real. i know they dont care about me. even with calls with my friends, i usually end up just quiet because i dont want to interrupt anyone else […]
I’m getting really bad, I don’t know if I’ve ever been this bad. Usually my scary thoughts are passing and its the feeling of emptiness that makes the bad times bad. I could count on myself that for every scary thought I would have a good one. Lately the bad thoughts have been lingering longer and are more violent than usual. My thoughts that I could hurt others are getting more real and I feel myself slipping away. The thought of killing myself has always been in the back of my mind but now it’s actually an option.
Lately, Ive been wondering if something else is wrong with me besides depression. I suspect something is wrong with me, and that I dont have complete enough self-awareness to determine what it is. At the same time, I want to be careful that the problem isnt simply that I THINK there’s a problem where there really isnt any. Anyway, I suspect something is wrong because even though I’m intelligent enough to analyze my behavior, I still find myself unintentionally doing things that other people find annoying, antagonistic, rude, etc. And I dont mean to be any of that! It’s a social problem, I think. I […]
I feel like dying because I’m not into anything. I don’t feel attracted to any particular action, human, job or anything.
extreme stress caused from seemingly nothing noteworthy is making me have thoughts of quiting uni, going back home and find a job. even tho the course im studying is something i enjoy and have great talent for. what do i do? ive had enough stress in the last 10 years of my life, that i just dont have anymore strenth to fight against any new stress. and i have already done smth similiar, but the thing i studied then was chosen so that people wouldnt judge me for not starting uni a nd not knowing what i want to do with my life.
1. I have today off of work
2. It’s sunny and crisp instead of raining and muggy
3. Fajitas for dinner tonight
4. I have the ability to question my own thoughts
5. I live with someone I share Love with
6. Journaling has helped me analyze my thoughts, feelings, and actions
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