I think it finally happened. I think that part of my brain has finally clicked. So today was my last day of the semester. The presentation happened and nobody said anything about it. Summer has started. But my anxiety is still here. My depression comes in waves usually. Once all the difficult stuff is done with (finals, work, stuff with my parents), I find some sort of relief in it being over. When those times come I’m able to look at myself in the mirror and not completely hate myself. I’m able to smile when I […]

“okay like
Took me a little while to realize it but what he’s saying basically is removing faith as a motivator in replacing it with a blind devotion to facts is similar to giving a child access to the internet and replacing their natural curiosity with an ability to use google whenever they want
The shift from faith to concrete evidence as the basis for reason is the beginning of a process which eliminates all intelligence from mankind

Same thing with nihilism

communism

globalism

transhumanism

It’s about heterogeneity”

“yes its what solomon is saying”

“this just makes me think, and i mean, really solidifies it, that everything has already been thought of and said

so

i […]

Hello, Poggers here.

I’ll get straight to the point, I deleted all recent posts because someone from my personal life found me, and that was the last thing I wanted.

I only posted to let out how I was feeling, and that by posting, maybe I could help someone else feel less alone.

As sad as it is, I no longer feel safe talking here and this may be my last thing I say on this account, so I mean it when I tell all of you, I wish you well and good luck.

Thank you, and goodbye.

I’m tired of the lies. I knew it would never get better. I know it never can. But we’re all fed that same lie. Over and over. Until we rip out our eyes so we stop seeing the truth. We paint on a smile like clowns. We’re beaten down with the hollow words of those driven mad.

It gets better. It gets better. It gets better.

See a therapist. See a therapist. See a therapist.

Take your pills. Take your pills. Take your pills.

Those broken by the weight of it all. Driven mad by toxic positivity and hopeless hope. I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of being […]

I feel often as though I’m living in the shadows, the part of the universe that no one pays attention to because it can’t be seen.  Or perhaps a better analogy is that I am so dark that light does not reflect off of me.  Any intereaction I have with people sputters out because whatever it is they would want to bounce back off of me simply dies when it hits my surface.

I’ve spent so many years legitimately trying to make my life have some sort of meaning or purpose.  I have been in counseling for more than 15 years.  I’ve seen so many doctors […]

Just need to be honest. I told my partner some tough truths. Honestly, it was more for me than him or our relationship. Keeping those secrets was killing me. But double honestly (lol) I think I was hoping for something to change. Kind of hoped it would help things between us. But anyway, things haven’t changed much. We’re still in the same rut as before.

Earlier I thought he was the best person I’d ever known. But in retrospect it seems to me that all those unselfish things he committed to were actually exactly what he wanted. I saw him do it to someone else. In […]

I’m in the middle of a class right now. We are going to present today. I don’t feel good at all. I’m not proud of what I’ve done. I’ve never been proud of anything I’ve done. This time is a bit different though. I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of my professor. I want to work under her for my final senior project. It’s a whole thing, but I really admire her. She’s super accomplished, so to fall flat on my face in front of her sucks. I’ve tried so hard for her […]

Do you feel better? You look pretty good today. Do you feel better than yesterday? For the past two days you have been looking better. Do you feel better? You want to feel better right? Do you feel better? Do you feel better? Is it better today? Hi, do you feel better? Is it better now? Do you feel better? Is it better? You look better, do you feel better? You want to feel better right? Do you worry about the future? You will feel better in the future right? Because you want to feel better in the future right? You want to feel better. […]

I really wanted to die, I obviously don’t want to try to die on impulse, but I still really want it…
Today the police came and informed me that my dad had died this morning.

So I’m going to have to stay put a little longer, at least. I don’t even know where to even start. I will call the coroner tomorrow. I might even talk to my neighbour about it… I don’t really want to but I need help. I don’t know how to deal with this at all…

Everything is too much… why couldn’t it have been me? Why him? As I said, he’s been […]

That’s what it all comes down to, trust and faith which are different words for the same damn thing. The truth is that I don’t know how to put a positive expectation on another human being. It’s beyond my ability at this point. Oh, you might say, but you appear vulnerable, right? That’s some kind of trust, one would think. The fact is that I don’t care. Curse me, you still can’t do worse than I expect you to. I trust people to be as awful as I can imagine, then when they are less awful it is mildly pleasant.

The fact remains; as I don’t […]

Similar to alot of posts here and elsewhere I have the same sense of hopelessness. I think for me I have done everything I could and it just seems I’m meant to fall off the face of the planet now.

I know people will say if you are looking for things to get better it helps you to go out there and keep trying new things. Yet at the age of 30 and doing the things I’ve wanted to do and just find myself failing at those things all around, I don’t see any other thing in sight I want to try anymore.

I failed in life. […]

I would never describe my life as a light.  I’m not sure exactly when I lost that, likely before I could even remember.  I don’t really have any memories from before I was 9.  Well, I do remember some things but I just really don’t like to talk about that.  I have a few memories of being happy but not many.  When I started to make sense of what happened to me I don’t think I ever recovered.  Maybe that is when it extinguished.. or maybe when my one friend couldn’t be my friend any more.  I don’t remember the last time I felt hopeful, […]

As if

I want somebody, anybody to be by my side… Yet I know I couldn’t stand anybody who is an actual human being getting too close.

That’s because this ‘somebody, anybody’ in these two sentences are not referring to the same thing.

I’d better say: I long for some kind of meaning, some kind of connection, a way to escape this feeling of solitude and despair,of wanting to die every day all day long, but I know this can’t be achieved by mingling with other people. I’ve always been alone somehow.  I’m at peace with the fact it will stay that way. Rationally, I actually prefer being […]

i’m not a real person

but i don’t want to be a person

being a person is worse

but each is worse than the other in its own unique way

I told my only online friend I was going to do it…
I sent my ex some hasty long winded email, but to get to the crux of it… I’ll die so I don’t annoy him anymore.

I always fail at attempts or not do very good attempts or chicken out…

I desire to be gone…
Sorry to everyone…………………………………………………………………
:\

Oh and I hope you can be stronger than what I could! But my life isn’t worth living, and it’s partially due to some of my own mistakes and screw ups.

Each day I ask myself ‘Why aren’t you ending your life?’ What I tend to come up with is some combination of subconscious survival instinct and fear. As long as I’m alive, there’s a theoretical chance I might reproduce. And additionally, I’m terrified of what might follow death. Although I tend to presume it’s nothing, it’s still essentially a leap into the unknown.

So, the next question is ‘Are those good reasons not to do it?’ To which the answer is generally ‘No.’ I have no intention of ever starting a family, so maintaining my theoretical ability to pass on my genes is utterly pointless. And […]

I don’t get the logic when people say life is hard, yet we are not allowed to complain, just grin our teeth, suck it up, etc. Worse is when people force themselves to always be positive, optimistic, & happy, at all costs. That’s a cognitive dissonance, that’s why it feels weird.

I think that is the path I am heading down.  It seems as though everything in my life has pointed me to this… Nothing in my life has ever really made any sense.  I’ve worked so hard and for what?  What do I have to show for all of this suffering?  A meaningless life surrounded by no one.

I can’t keep waking up every morning thinking that today is going to be different.  I’ve lived 14,000 days or so… why would today or tomorrow be any different?  Why would I think that “today I am finally going to make a friend”.  I have had one friend […]

what to do

i could browse discord or sp

i  could turn on my playstation

i could go back to sleep

yay