I’m so insanely alone, and hopeless. Can’t pretend I don’t deserve this. But I don’t know how to live with it. I’m so tired of carrying this weight, all this longing, regret, shame, self-hatred. I want to go back, to before I did this to myself, but there’s no going back. I want to go forward, but forward is death, and I’m scared. I’m scared of somehow becoming stuck like this, a sad eternal echo. So I delay, playing for time, hoping for some kind of magical reprieve, or to uncover some hidden understanding of reality that will remove my fear.

I don’t want to be […]

I posted a couple days ago about how today was my time to die. Of course, I changed my mind… A man somehow opened my hotel door and said “Alice… I can’t get in…. Alice….” I had to push the door closed and lock it when he left. It’s also ironic that I talked about crushing on an Allison. Even after I said what the fuck you have the wrong room, he kept saying it.

To note, some crummy haunted house attempt. That was pathetic. How ugly.

But still, weirdo on here. Keep your personal crap safe.

But here’s the thing! Someone’s been showing up to my work […]

Not suicide related

I thought my ex was going to rent his own place ‘one day’. I believe he would have enough savings to move right now. I don’t really think he’s serious because he’s not even looking for a place. His ex friend offered him a 2 bedroom apartment last year, and he declined. Someone his family knew were in talks to offer him a place last year but that someone changed their mind, apparently that someone was indecisive.

Then again, Toronto is extremely expensive, so unless he rents a rundown dump, he isn’t getting his own place 😛 And of course said ‘rundown dump’ […]

So I’m desperate. I need new friends. If you have IMVU, we could sit in a room and talk 🙂 I also play Dream Girlfriend, if you have the App, I’ll give you my ID to add. I’ve been on both for many years and I never go anywhere. Also I’m 22 years old if that matters to you. I speak English and German. Yep, just let me know.^^

it feels like everyone is leaving me. i don’t feel comfortable talking to my closest friends or even my own girlfriend about my own mind. I’ve had a mate of just a year now and i’m scared were drifting. We don’t talk much as we did and ik its stupid to be so worried when we’ve been friends for a year, but it was the first person i met i could relate to, he dressed similarly to me so i didn’t feel judged either, we have same music taste and we both have mental struggles. We even used to hang out more. I’ve had 2 […]

i wish i wasn’t born in my faith. that way i could sleep around with guys that i find physically attractive.  why?? because i don’t feel those emotions. i’ve never loved someone. i’ve never had an actual crush. if i didn’t have my faith…i could satisfy the emptiness in my heart, in my soul.

i am waiting for the right person, someone whom i will love with all my heart. but…. i think that that person doesn’t exist.  not a single bit have i felt. i feel hollow.

whatever. whilst reading this, i have no idea what i’m trying to say….

At home
In elementary school
In middle school
In high school
At girl guides
In “safe” places

…….ive never not been hurt

No wonders im fucked up

Its been a couple of days since I was so low that I considered it. Since then i made the decisions to go back to all my coping techniques instead of going back to anti depresents. Thanks to you guys who commented on my post. YOU made a differance in my outlook. I will persevere.

I have to remember that I have so much to be grateful for. I really do. I just wish I could stop living in my past. Put that shit away for good. Who knows what will be ahead of me if I just forgive, forget and move on. 1 day I […]

It’s only a matter of time before I die. Either by suicide, or natural causes. I want so badly to go on my own terms. Painlessly. I don’t deserve that, though. I deserve the most painful death. I deserve to suffer until the end of time. I wish I could finally die. I’ve been wishing for my death for years now. My existence was a joke. Somebody who had a chance at life just killed themselves, but here I am. The world doesn’t make sense. “Funny the Way It Is” by Dave Matthews Band.

There’s no chance for me. It truly is too late for me. […]

Are you ok?

The kind of bone-deep exhausted that all the sleep in the world won’t fix.

I have no-one who knows me who cares about me – nobody I could call with a [redacted] in my hand and say “I’m tired and hurting and scared, I’ve fucked everything up and I’m useless and I wanna die but I don’t, please come help me”, and they would. Nobody that would just come over, and take the [redacted] out my hand, and hug me, tell me they love me and I matter to them and they don’t want me to die. I don’t even know if people like that exist […]

I was trying so immensely to have ONE positive day once in a while. It worked for like 5 hours and then my head started to make up the worst possible scenarios again. And I overspilled with my words AGAIN. Nobody wants to hear my thoughts.

I’m starting to think I have mania, I’m going crazy man. I could pick up a school bus with this overflow of energy. And I can’t sleep. I could not f@cking sleep for days. I’m a sound sleeper, that’s extremely unusual to me.

I thought I was okay for today, I really did think so. But then there was […]

Nothing ever works in my favor. I started losing friends one by one every fucking year and blamed myself for not being good enough, barely getting through my childhood with once used-to-be abusive father. I’m glad he’s changed now but the effects never really went away. Nothing in my life works in my way. I am desperately clinging on to the job that I am suffering in because I have to support my family, my mom is really sick but I cant go back because of the pandemic, and every fucking day I have to go through a whole anxiety attack before I start work. […]

I think the strangest thing I’ve seen… Was a dump site where over a hundred books on black culture, african culture, segregation, societal gaps
and one random… Anderson Cooper’s dispatches from the edge…. were all laying in an alley next to a busted tv set.

Confused me a bit. A busted out television set kind of screams “IT WAS A LIE” …  but why would ……….. Just annoying that all of those books were dumped like that. It’s a feeling like opening a book box and seeing “Glenn Beck’s The Christmas Sweater.”
Free book boxes, where I’m at, never have anything interesting in them. Just God […]

Is about to push me over the edge. In the past 8 years from my most suicidal to now, I had several years of long phases where I was fine. This year though is all kinds of twisted. I don’t even wanna live anymore im running on auto pilot. I just want something to kill me cause I don’t have the balls do it myself anymore. I just can’t. It doesn’t get better, I thought it did but its all one sick game and I’m never gonna get to relax. I’m suffocating mentally…why can’t I just suffocate physically. I’m over this. Goodnight.

Can I say it now/ Allison’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.
Yeah~
Full of heart / wise.  So sexy.
That’s really all there is to it.

I could say that in the middle of times square and not worry about it, right. Yeah~

I really, really hope I’m not going to make it to 2021. It’d be wonderful if I finally had access to a good method. Sadly, I don’t have the money for the method I’d really love to go through with. I’m so desperate to die, that I’ve been seriously considering just going through with a sh*tty method. The success rates are low with those methods, though. I’m nothing but an evil, good-for-nothing loser. I really need to finally die…

I guess I have nothing to say to  both of them. They stab you in the back just to pat themselves on the back. I get it… It feels like a game of control. What’s fun to two basic 30 year olds / I guess sitting on unemployment and making control feel like a game~ like throwing acid in someone’s face just to do it. ~ I don’t really know them. But I recognized you. the drag …um.  It never really mattered anyway. Nothing feels good anymore.

I’ve got my own plans. I can finally do this. I’m tired of living with this helpless reality and […]

It feels as though I’m so alone, without a way out. It’s like drowning, first panicking, then once the water in you, finally a sense of peace. I’m waiting for when the water enters me, a sense of peace which I haven’t felt in over 3 years. I’m scared I’ll do something drastic because I know what I’m capable of.

I don’t think I’m smart. I’m a fucking idiot, because what intellect I have is selective. I can understand Java code, but I can’t understand why 90% of humanity can’t give a straight or honest answer to simple questions. I can feel myself desiring to go over the brink, and I grab my own shirt and pull back to where everybody else is; the agreed on perception, a collective dream that you all know as “reality”

There are treatments I would like to try, but no idea of the intervening steps. Just so, there is a lifestyle I think that would push me to this edge […]