It’s hard accepting that people are willing to throw you away before there’s even time to say goodbye.  They forget the prayers and start asking for a will.
Hard to swallow.
Why should I pray to them reasons why it isn’t about them? Or write them letters, or record my voice? It means so little. I meant so little to them. It would waste their time.

why did I push everyone away? Nobody knows me anymore. Look what I’ve done. Where did everybody go? I feel the same and years go by. And on. And on.
I feel worse than ever right now. I feel sick […]

I’ve been suffering from IBS, severe prostate pain, and insomnia from pain off and off for over a year and the pain is starting to come back.  I believe these problems are from eating too much sugar and drinking too much booze over the years, probably more from eating poorly.  I also have health anxiety disorder, so it’s hard for my parents to believe me but part of the reason I have health anxiety disorder is because I’ve had undiagnosed pain in my youth from this and I’ve only recently put together what it is.  I don’t want to kill myself but if my severe […]

I wish that I could die just by thinking about it without having to physically kill myself

Hi. I dont think anyone is around from back when I posted here regularly, so I won’t say anything. This post is mostly because a friend of mine told me I should write a letter to the girl that used to be everything to me, and then left me and shattered my whole world even more than it already was. Anyway, I’ll start.

Reading back on the messages we sent to each other, I can tell that you probably didnt like me that much. I mean you said you were cold and empty and that you never felt good about anything but I didn’t believe it. […]

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

there’s a squeezing of my insides, a shredding of my mind, and a weight pulling down my body that will not let up. and now that it’s all more outwardly seen by other people, again, they are offended by it. not even from what I say to them, just from it visibility affecting me. just keep your thoughts to yourself, for fuck’s sake. people truly think that you either aren’t trying enough or will tell you to consider something that you’ve already considered about a hundred different times, without their input. don’t say a damn thing, I’ll be much better off

I talked someone out of tears and mutterings of carbon monoxide today. I felt like a fraud. I felt old. He was so swayable. This was a genuine crisis for him. I want my comfort with the idea gone.

This day has been alright. I’m coming out of an emotional development cocoon. I don’t know who I am just yet. I was in pain today. I cried a little. I could cry more if I liked but no energy to. It doesn’t change anything. I watched a smog induced car pile up video. I’m flat. I’m going through a cloudy time. But I don’t care enough […]

It’s not much fun, being a monster. Would not recommend it. You get these constant reminders of what everyone thinks of you. Society loves a good villain. How can our heroes be truly heroic if those they pursue aren’t truly evil? Writers love to plumb the depths of human depravity, and audiences eat it up.

The obvious response to this is “just stop being evil.” Unfortunately, your past casts a long shadow. Some things mark you as forever beyond the pale, even after you stop. Besides which, the motivations that led you to that point don’t just disappear. If you’re sufficiently fucked in the head, realising […]

This is my first post on this site after being an infrequent reader since high school.

Things in my life have been going well for the most part…I literally traveled to another country (my dream destination) over a month ago. I have a great and well-paying job (although it’s stressful right now), my own apartment that I can comfortably afford, the sweetest dog, a working car…I am so unbelievably privileged. But ever since I got back from my trip I’ve been so detached from my life.

I feel directionless. There are things I want to do with my life, so badly, but instead I watch TV and zone out […]

He has been the source of my issues since I was born. He’s abusive in all ways possible: physical, mental, emotional, sexual, and financial. I’ll never be able to leave this place and he’s got my mother wrapped around his finger, so whatever I say about him, she excuses it.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about dying. I’ll leave all of my possessions with my brother (my best friend) and I’ll apologize to all of my friends before I quit. I have nowhere else to go and he’s controlling my life. I can’t leave without killing myself. It’s the only way out.

I have pets, but he’s threatened […]

So idk. I guess life is ok but i just can’t keep on keeping on. I was married, now i’m not. Then I was involved in a rather complicated relationship. now I’m not. At the end of the day i know that i am loved, and i am responsible for my children, and i have burdens to carry. And idk if I can keep things keeping on. idk if i want to. My ex is a complete wreck, alcoholic, abusive, tells the world that I am a pathetic worthless human being even though i’m the one who made sure that our children were fed.

I just really need someone to hug, at the very least. There is nobody there though, I’m all alone, isn’t that funny?

Isn’t it funny when you’re alone yet surrounded by people? Isn’t it funny when everyone’s looking at you yet they can’t see you? Isn’t it funny when you’re drowning in a croud?

When everyone can save you but nobody does?

Nodoby knows?

Nobody even notices?

Please, notice. Someone, please. See me. Please… I don’t want to die just yet. Anyone? But they don’t hear me.

Is it me or is it them?

Do I exist? Do I matter in this world or am I just another object in your […]

This is my first post and lets do this.

I am just an average guy who fought with depression my whole life. It started in fifth grade and got worse over the years. Sorry for my english I am not a native speaker

Highlights this year:

– (Januaray) My uncle died, my dad had a stroke, and my ex broke up with me. Best 3 weeks of my life.

-(ApriL) I broke down in front of my parents telling them that i want to kill myself whil crying. they respone was laughing me out.

-(May) I had a break […]

it’s hard to figure out how to start or end with this. i’ve lost my will about a hundred times already, yet i still find new lows to hit. i despise my job and can not find any real relief from working because i have second gig that i go to nearly every day, so I’m always getting home late. i’ve never been able to leave home before and am now stuck living at home to help take care of one family member while having to be around two others that i cannot stand. i can’t enjoy any movies, shows, and video games anymore. i […]

I’ve done some bad things recently. It’s my second DUI. I deserve death! I never thought fear could be dangerous but it turns out my fear is my biggest enemy and it’s quite harmful to those in my community. I drink to self medicate my extreme social anxiety. I’ve made myself a promise as an alcoholic…….I WILL NEVER DRIVE A CAR AGAIN. I tried all the tips and tricks to dealing with social anxiety but I’m someone who really needs medication for it. It turns out that Psychiatrists don’t wanna prescribe anything useful because they’re afraid of getting sued. Apparently there’s a lot of “patients” […]

I was doing so badly. And then I was doing fine. Today I’m doing…different. It’s a somewhat bad different. I’m afraid. I’m so so tired. I’m ready to make a mistake and exit. Things that once gave me pleasure aren’t anymore. My eyes are itching. The world feels gray and silly and all the people in my life seem untrustworthy. All the good I could see is gone. I’m driving recklessly and seeing but not seeing beauty. I wish I could open my eyes and return to the comfort that was yesterday. Change is hard. But well, I’ve wanted change for a while. So at […]

Living surrounded by my enemies. It’s possible but it’s pretty hard
How can a human be happy in this world when everything is fucked up? Why aren’t things going alright for everyone? Why isn’t everything perfect? Why the constant struggle?

I still feel like I’m a kid but somehow I’m 27. What. The. Fuck. How did I get here?

I’m pretty much a failure in every aspect of life.

career? hah, someone out of highschool can do my job

money? I’m a dumb fuck and managed to lose most of it when markets only went up the last two years

social life? what’s that. I can barely talk to people without being anxious or stammering like an idiot.

love life? who would want to be with a loser like me.

Can’t even do basic shit expected of a human:

– struggle with putting thoughts into words (spent like 30 minutes making this […]

Been four and a half years since my last post, so hi there, I guess?

Just now I reread this post and felt that things hadn’t aged well, so I’ll be going over every bullet I put in here. Why? I mean, why not? I do not really care if anyone reads it or not, but I thought it would be interesting for myself to do. Ok, but then why bother posting it? Just in case someone would find it entertaining, I guess?

Here is why I hate my life
– My school life sucks (the only decent thing are my grades)
This one didn’t age well […]

Fuck all of this