It’s tiring until it’s not.

I last visited this site on 2019. My life was a mess because one “friend” in my group is a psychopath and basically manipulated everyone to go against me, harass me online non-stop, isolate me and drive me to suicide by grinding down my reputation and character and saying all sorts of false accusations against me. Basically I was jobless, an outcast, a social recluse, pretty much had my life and reputation destroyed and all I did was mope in bed feeling powerless on not being able to do anything or pursue my dreams anymore. I went to the monastery to escape all this and […]

I was reading an old poem my sister had written about our childhood growing up in my church. It was in this poem that I realized how much I missed the simplicity of childhood. Before I made what I thought would be a lifelong friend, and then had to say goodbye. Before I got my heart broken by someone I thought I loved. Before I felt obligated to say yes, even if I wanted to say no. Before I said no, and was not taken seriously. Before I moved 2 hours away from my best friends for college. Before I used alcohol to drown my […]

All the fakes disintegrate
All the family secretly hates
Only person standing by me is myself
To take on a world that knows hate more than love
Were people love to play God
And be the judge of your life
Were money determines your life and how you live
Were money determines how much respect to give
The only religion i ever knew was money
Were decency and morals are lowered everyday
When you wake up, you’re in a monopoly game
Were money was so important, we sell our souls
And kill the planet to make that money

I’ve been dealt with a shitty life since I was born. I’ve been suffering enough. If there is a God, I just ask one thing. Please end my life already. I’ve already suffered enough. I at least deserve a painless and honorable death where it wouldn’t tarnish or embarrass my family and myself. Where are you God? Are you a sadist? Do you like seeing me tormented and suffering? Why am I suffering like this when I did nobody anything wrong? Here are my notes. At least I want everyone to understand why I want to die.

Part 1
Part 2
Part […]

I have been on this site off and on for 4 years…. I have had depression WAY longer than that. I want to scream HELP ME!!! But I don’t think anyone or anything can. I have tried medication, counseling and so on. My last counselor told me she doesn’t like treating people like me because they are too hard to help. Then she stopped taking my appointments. HA HA HA I have to laugh because if i dont I will just have to face the fact that I am beyond help.
I’m tired of being pathetic. I’m tired of living for other people. My brain […]

I need to find an apartment ASAP. But no one wants to live with a crazy person. I can’t believe how unfortunate I am. To develop a condition that doesn’t affect most people and that is so frowned upon. I think it sucks to be me. Now I have to opt into certain areas I don’t want to because I’m technically disabled. Fuck my life. I hope none of you ever have to go through this. I hope your children aren’t cursed like me. And I hope I can find an apartment soon or else I will be another homeless veteran. Who’s mind is not […]

My sister was telling me this yesterday morning… And her driving… Somehow she’s still alive. At 9 years old, somehow crashes a lawnmower into a pole barn. The road was parallel to the building.. I mean the aftermath was godlike, “How could you manage to do this much with a lawnmower going 2 miles an hour…?” That’s what dad said anyway.

Anyways, one morning, she had my dad’s Buick. She loves photography, and decided to capture “a beautiful bucolic image of our home state,”

…She’s driving too fast, somehow ramps up in the air, jumps a ditch, mows down a fence, romping down in a cow patch. […]

When I first started cutting, I was disturbed by the fact that I liked it so much. I looked up all the reasons people normally cut and I identified or have identified at some point with all of the causes and reasons given. Sometimes I cut to “externalize the internal pain.” Sometimes I cut when I’m depressed to feel something, or to calm myself down with the serotonin high if I’m anxious. Today I discovered that I was cutting for a reason that I’ve never before heard. I have this friend, my best friend actually. We talk about everything, but if I ever try to […]

I already have that melancholy feeling when it’s almost autumn

At this point, the glass isn’t half empty or half full, the glass is shattered and the pieces are embedded deep in my flesh. I have final “insurance” if you will, I’m just waiting for the right time to use it. I’ve practiced over and over. It’s not a matter of if I choose to make my exit, but when. And oddly enough, having a surefire “insurance” policy helps me through the bad moments, the mere knowledge that I can reliably end it when I choose to do so, when the time comes, is almost enough to bring me peace. I’m playing a sick game […]

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

I know that this moment will pass, but this restraining order situation is stressing me out so much.
It’s supposed to expire on Thursday, but it’s been 5 years. It’s like I’ve gotten used to it. I use it to justify my anti-social tendencies and have used it to build a massive comfort zone. I won’t know what to do when it expires.
My heart says to try talking to her again.
My mind says that is the worst idea ever conceived.
She’s not blocked on my socials, and I really do hope that she reaches out.
I know not to expect it, but I […]

As I lay in bed unable to sleep, I dream of it just ending. Slipping in to nothingness. No more fighting. No more sadness. No more being a burden on those I care about. I think about oblivion. I just want it to be over. I’ve fought for so long and now I’m expected to be grateful for scraps. I can’t do it. I want to be dead. I want to die. I just want to not feel any of this anymore.

The fear, the pain, the loss, the neverending emptiness. It’s all too much for one little brain to handle. I’m done

I am running away
From a big rock lady
I am running away
afraid she’ll crush me
i turn to her face
she had a smile
i saw her place
she was on a hill
i turned away
she rolled swiftly
i was running away
she rolled quickly
i was running away
shes on top of me
i turned away
shes right near me
i stood in place
she sang softly
i was running away
afraid she might crush me
i was running away
shes rolling swiftly
i was running away
shes right on top of me
i was running away
she might crush me

That line was in a movie concerning how a man behaves when a woman hands herself to him on a plate, you don’t want to belong to a club that would have someone like you as a member. I first heard that line in my teens and found it a bit far fetched, surely I wouldn’t be a guy who behaves like that but no, I have a 9 chasing me, texting round the clock, comparing me favourably to the pieces of shit available for women online,,asking me out when she previously said women don’t ask men out and I’m no happier, every guy thinks […]

…everything is normal and fine, till one day, you open your eyes to this broad daylight and find yourself in this struggle to power your way out from under the crashing car. I so want to give up now…

I want not to be this anymore. I want not to be me anymore. Every time I’m around other people, I hate myself. I deserve to hate myself. But I don’t want it anymore. I want the feeling, the guilt, the self-awareness – I want it all gone. I want to be free of it – of this self, this identity, this craving. I’m so tired of it – I don’t want to be the villain anymore. Fine, me=badman. Deserving of death. Stain on existence. Can we just get it over with already? Just end it – so I can finally stop being this?

But of course, that’s […]

What state do u live in

Would you pay a suicide note out not? Before I head no reason to. I was chronically depressed with no apparent cause. But now if I killed myself there would be a cause. How about you? Would you leave a note behind? And what would be the premise of it?