Hello S

I wonder if you’ll ever see this. I wonder if you’ll ever know exactly what you did or I did. I wish I could tell you how I feel but it changes day to day and please God tomorrow will be different because today I want to die. I hope I am only a corpse tomorrow morning. I think about death so much its too strange to think any of this is real. Me, who loved life and living and had all these things she wanted us to do.

She’s dead  now, as dead as that girl at the airport I thought was who you […]

I kinda wanted to die because I wanted to escape this lifes problems but I don’t think that death will bring me the relief I want. I think that suffering might be present even after death because I might exist in a different way. I think there is another realm after death, I wish there was nothing because I want to die and that’s it.

I think I’m really going to end it someday. This is all going to lack context, as usual. I just don’t know anymore. I don’t think I even care what happens to this planet anymore as long as I’m gone when it does. But maybe I’m attached to this planet. Maybe I shouldn’t be. Buddhism. And all that. I don’t know how, or why, but I constantly speak my thoughts out loud without realizing it. Like… literally. 24/7. My internal monologue is outside of my brain and I can’t hear it. I know this because so many people have let it slip through the years, […]

Animals have emotions like Humans; They fear death, cherish life and love their offspring just as much.

Do you delve deep into yourself to find out who you truly are, or do you delve deep into your dreams to create an idea that you call yourself?

It’s all a bunch of words. Words, words, words. It’s amazing how little people say so much of the time. Have you ever spent time around people who compulsively jabber? It’s like they need to fill in all the empty space with meaningless noise, as if they’re terrified that they might stop existing if they don’t. Or that you’ll forget about them. My team lead at work is like that. I can only play the receiving […]

Some people are lucky, some people are not. In this world, there are winners and losers. And the harsh reality is I am a loser, I am a failure. It doesn’t even matter how many people have told me that I’m very talented, smart, deep, wise, etc etc etc. The fact is in this society, I am nothing, I am just a nobody. Unemployed, confused, depressed, and suicidal 38 years old whose dreams, visions, ideas, and idealisms are all crushed, broken, and destroyed by the cruel reality. I just made mistakes after mistakes. I blew all the chances, opportunities, friendships, relationships, etc etc. And it […]

Reaching my goals doesnt satisfy me anymore, nothing boosts my spirits anymore and i can care less for praise. I feel so lost. I used to be a simple person with simple ideas. The vastness of lifes questions and answers is too much for me. At this point im just wasting other peoples oxygen.

This hell is my cage.

This hell is my home.

This hell is my mind.

Everything is on fire.

It is becoming dark like coal.

All this darkness is consuming me.

And there is only one way to be free..

All I have ever wanted is for someone to understand me, where I am coming from. No one ever does it is like they are incapable of understanding. They can’t imagine or even empathize the things I’ve been through and continue going through. I figure if I am so quick to throw my life away then let it be for something that matters. So I have been sacrificing my life for over a year in place of a sick relative. I sacrificed pursing a career so I could devote more time and care to her. My happiness sacrificed, relaxing, traveling, friendships, relationships, having kids. And […]

My brain is endlessly hung up on things I know logically are no good for me. This dumb insistence that if I could just find this specific thing in this specific way, then everything would be ok. That I would finally be happy again after over all these years.

Rationally, I know it wouldn’t end up like that. If I got anywhere close I’d most likely be left feeling far worse, and in danger of severe consequences. Nothing would be resolved, or healed. I would’ve just discovered a new low, and put myself and others at greater risk.

And ‘logical me’ knows that, and knows I’m never […]

Social media isn’t everything. Some people just can’t get that. The next thing you know, someone’s feeling “triggered” by something you posted and blowing up – sending a long paragraph about your “life” and who you’re “seeing” and how you “treated” someone else in a comments section after disagreeing with someone else…. ? -when you’ve never met the creep complaining or cared about them. Like who tf are you? Nobody likes you lol Rethinking the whole posting about my friends and family… Missing my best friend is somehow twisted into missing my boyfriend/breakup with my gf.

Giving someone else a compliment is twisted into an observer […]

This message takes me home to what I used to believe in. I miss it so much.

And now the purple dusk of twilight time
Steals across the meadows of my heart
High up in the sky the little stars climb
Always reminding me that we’re apart
You wander down the lane and far away
Leaving me a song that will not die
Love is now the stardust of yesterday
The music of the years gone by.
Sometimes I wonder, how I spend
The lonely nights
Dreaming of a song
The melody
Haunts my reverie
And I am once again with you
When our love was new
And each kiss an inspiration
But that was long ago
And now my consolation is […]

well, i am BACK.
lately things have been pretty normal i suppose, though i can’t say i’m well, it’s alright y’know? honestly i’m just a bit more anxious than usual today because of a dream i had last night, where i tried jumping off a 7th floor but then nothing happened and no one noticed, so idk. felt off when i woke up.

also, i got an app to keep track of my mood because i always forget, so i can look back if i need to; it’s been helpful i suppose.

anyways, i hope everyone here has, at the very least, an okay day today, tomorrow […]

The world as of now is in chaos.
And my country is being run by crocodiles.
Politicians threatening lab workers to do 2-3 test even though they’re asymptomatic and negative of the virus.
All the while, citizens who has symptoms has been dropping like flies.
People got arrested or gunned down.
Government labeling University students as terrorists for doubting the system.
Influencial people defending and admitting to sexual abuses.
And half a fandom who wants a child dead. Fictional or not. That’s fucked up.

I know what I put down is heavy. I don’t know where else to put down my demise.

I’m just very sad about […]

I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship

I want out but I also don’t

It’s become to familiar

For 3 years that’s all I’ve known

But what’s worse is that the old me is slipping away I’m trying to get that back

I reminisce on the friends I’ve had here

How I used to be important to them

Now I’m not much of anything

Same with friends in real life

They really all do leave me

I don’t like who I am anymore

I’m miserable

I’m a terrible mom

I’m a terrible person

I’m horrid

I haven’t been suicidal in a while

But…it’s lingering again and I’ve never been more scared

I thought I moved on

But I’m […]

I just ingested about 70mg worth of cyanide, in the hopes that I won’t wake up in the morning.

After a shitty life full of betrayal and hatred, it may finally be coming to an end.

Last night I got PTSD, and earlier today I learned that literally all my friends, my boyfriend included, hates me.

I don’t really know what I want my last words to be, assuming I do die, which I probably won’t, Google says the minimum lethal dose is 100mg. But I guess I’ll just come up with something on the spot.

Alice, Richard, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I had to leave you at such […]

I’m so depressed.
I’m locked in my room, with the lights off and the windows shut. I’m in the middle of the darkness. Depressed. Sad. Angry.
I just hate myself so much. I hate people too.
My appaerance makes me so sad. I’m horrible.
I just wish i was fucking pretty.

This life terrifies me. I’m scared of judgement, violence and imprisonment. Of being stigmatized, shunned, condemned. Scared of never being able to connect with another person. Of being forever beyond the pale. I’m scared of spending the rest of my life alone, and dying embittered and ashamed.

I’m afraid of how irreversibly broken I am – so that there’s no point even trying to fix it. I recognize the evil in myself, but I love it – it’s the only thing that gives me respite. There’s no hope of anything good – I’m way to far gone. So evil is all I have left. But still, […]