I have done some really shitty things in my life. Mostly all under the influence of alcohol. I know that if I just never drink then I will not have these issues, but I have also had fun times too. I have sought help in the past, but it has never done anything. This last time, my therapist recommendation was for me to listen to TedTalks. It seems I am in the spiral. I will get better, then I will go out and embaress the F out of myself because I was so wasted. I am a habitual binge drinker. I drink once a month […]

a mixture of rain and snow my entire shift. I was drenched and my legs felt like stumps because my feet were numb. When I got inside, my hands burned. I don’t think the company I work for cares about my well-being or safety. I fear we’ll have the same weather tomorrow. I don’t know if I can take it. I live alone above a guy who

I was on day 1. It’s day 0 again. I feel really pathetic, but at the same time I know

This is going to be hard
I’m not taking it seriously enough

I’m not taking it seriously because I don’t feel ready for another circle of the first day, the first week, irritableness, fatigue, sleeplessness, the first month, a 30 day chip and a feeling of achievement, and two months, and three months, and six months even, before I smell a party again, and promise myself it’s only one time, or only one small puff- I’m smoking it secondhand anyway- and fall back deeper into this pit, only […]

Horror is the discovery of events that have already happened that are terrible. To be blunt, it’s everywhere. The history of mankind; people made choices, many of those choices were awful. Horror is finding out that they were worse than you thought.

Terror though, that’s the anticipation of awful things yet to come. That’s the one I can’t get myself around, and I haven’t been able to find someone who has an effective strategy to deal with terror. Terror is a white hot anxiety in my belly. Things have gone so wrong, that already is, can’t make it less so by thinking about it. Terror though, […]

Y’all may know me from way back, depressed and suicidal. I have been dating this very sad and distressed boy, he recently jumped infront of a car and was killed instantly. It happened so fast, he was dead before the ambulance arrived, I was blocks away. I was gonna pick him up bc he was walking home drunk. He told me he was depressed that he wanted to kill him self. I told him I’ll call off work, and he said, “no don’t chill my friends coming”. I still tried to pick him up but he wasn’t where he said he was. 20 mins later […]

The first time I attempted suicide, I was only 4 years old. I grew up with abuse and that (along with genetics) led to a long list of crippling mental illnesses, including two personality disorders. After a decade of trying treatment after treatment, I’ve only been able to find help for my OCD. Suicidal ideation has been a constant throughout my near 24 years. I’ve attempted more times than I’ve managed to keep track of, and have been involuntarily committed over and over again.
All that is bad enough, but early 2020, I got sick. It’s been progressive, and after seeing all sorts of […]

what’s the point?  it’s like a ball and chain is tied to my chest and it’s trying to drag me into an early grave. i got diagnosed with complex ptsd and all my trauma hit me like a ton of bricks. i drowned out what she was saying but one bit has been replaying in my mind, “it’ll take at least two years to get through it…” is that true? i pushed everything he did so far into the back of my mind and it got ripped out and put on a silver platter right in front of my face. two years. at least. two […]

It was November the 15th. I remember it clearly. My mom had screamed at me, because i woke her up – I had a really bad ache in my chest that night and was even crying.

Without a word i went back to my room – and to my misfortune, that night it was to much. With the sharp knife in one hand, tears in my eyes, a bottle full of wine and painkillers on the table – probably mixed with some antidepressants – i sat on my bed. I was ready to leave – and ready to make the first cut. If my cat hadn’t […]

I don’t care about companionship anymore. Many people would ask; “what’s life worth living without a companion?”. I made up in my mind a long time ago that I’m no longer living for me. I don’t care if I have to be alone all my life. I mean alone as in absolutely no connections whatsoever. From that sentence alone one should know I’m DEFINITELY not in the mood to get close to anyone romantically. I refuse to even become friends. It hurts too much now. I have been committed to being alone for years now. Whenever I sense someone trying to pry me open I […]

I feel like everything is dying around me. People, society, nature, friendships, ideas, communities. And I don’t know if I or anyone can do something about it

You messaged. I should message back. Why? So you can say hey? So the conversation can stop? I want to message but about what? We have nothing to talk about and i feel like I’m better off shutting up anyway.

I had been wanting to die for about 6 years now. It still feels so normal. The intrusive thoughts of self harm, the gut wrenching pain of existing, the struggle to be productive, and my self hatred all feel like they have always been there, I forget what life was like without them. It took me a very long time to realize I needed help, to realize that I was allowed to feel this way and to begin to alter my mindset. However, now that I have, I am scared that it might have been too late. My boyfriend has helped a lot. I feel […]

I don’t remember the last time I’ve wanted to die this badly. I’ve been working my ass off, doing all the things I’m supposed to be doing: regular therapy appointments, taking my meds somewhat consistently, spending time with friends and family, going outside, started working out and prioritizing eating better, purging and organizing my home so I’m not living in chaos. I haven’t been this active in over 8 years since my mental health first plummeted. And yet my mind is telling me over and over, “Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself.” Why isn’t anything I’m doing enough?

I don’t want to live, but I can’t die. I don’t want to live but I have to. How long can someone live in this state until you decide it’s the end? Do people who kill themselves do it impulsively? Can it be planned? I don’t want to plan my death, but sometimes I get intrusive thoughts (come on, jump under that bus! Or why not take all the pills you can find!), and I’m wondering if one day I’ll act on it impulsively, or if deep down, I have been planning my death since the day I was born. 

I’m so angry.
I’m SO ANGRY ALL THE TIME.
I feel like the whole world is against me, but you know what?
At this point, I’ve had the biggest epiphany. I don’t care anymore.

Imagine that.
Do, whatever the fuck you want.
Be a slut, dress how you want. Be an asshole, be kind, go out at night. get drunk, fall in love, make huge mistakes, lose and gain friends, burn bridges.
I don’t care what your parents say.
Do it.
Fucking do it, cause you know what, you only live once and no one is going to hear about us in those […]

I wish telling myself this was enough. That I could just be confident that I was coming across like a normal person. Either I try to just “be myself”, and worry that people are looking at me funny. Or I try to act “normal”, and constantly worry that I’m getting it wrong and acting weird. I wish I could just not care, either way.

I’ve really tried to not think about it. So people think I’m weird – so what? But I feel exposed – vulnerable. It feels dangerous. I suppose at some point in my childhood I decided that saying or doing weird/dumb stuff […]

My family visted me for Thanksgiving. One thing that stuck out to me is a brief conversation on whether or not I waould get married some day. I shruged it off and said if it happens it happens. But this was one of the first times I saw my Mother worried about it. She said she wants ne to put myself out there and find a “companion”. Usually she never seemed bothered or interested in the fact I was alone. I played it off like I didn’t care, but obviously this is one of the things that keeps me […]

I’ve booked a weeks leave. That will be plenty time enough for me to do what I need to do. No one will notice me missing until I don’t show for work a week later. I’ve booked in “catch ups” with everyone I need to say goodbye to before hand, it’s not many but I feel I should see them one last time, to say the usual “Bye, take care of yourself”. It’s time I guess.

Most of the people qualities I encountered: shallow, vain, self centered, cold and unavailable

Sometimes, I feel like you only reason I’m here still is because I care too fucking much about other people, especially my mom. That fucking sucks, I don’t want no one to care about me, so I could just leave this world without hurting anyone. I hate caring more about others than myself, Because then I have to stay here for them. I’m tired, i’m exhausted, Hurting myself doesn’t even do it anymore. The only thing getting me through it is the idea that an addiction to benzos is always better than death. If I’m going to stay on this world, might as well try […]