I miss the Outer Banks in NC…the stingrays swarming beneath the dock~ the massive ocean crashing. I wanna drive out there again

:)) :)) :))

i have a perfect plan. a plan so perfect i’m convinced the universe is telling me to do it. that my life will be worth more when i’m dead. that my sacred duty is to take my own life. nothing around me tells me otherwise. nothing is enough to hold me down. not anymore. to only thing left to do is release attachments, and make peace with death. then i’ll be free.

Friend’s a writer, has a book published, his dad’s a writer, a few books published, and now they have a new book out with excerpts from each member of the family. I’m so excited to get it in the mail. :3 Their grandma is signing it, which is heartfelt to me bc i went to their christmases years ago. that was the year d bought me a billy Joel cd and a bought me an elton john vinyl. the gma bought me pajama pants which was nice.

I still need to see the old friend. His second book is out and he wanted me to stop […]

I somehow need to overcome this impasse in myself. To either decisively end things, or to fully commit to survival. My current approach is the worst of all worlds – failing to function, exposing myself to ever greater pain and suffering.

My emotions are in a terrible state. They refuse to accept the reality I live in. But they also won’t accept leaving it once and for all.

Most days I am here, but not here. I’m always here to listen, to try and understand a perspective that is not my own. I sympathize deeply for I am a natural empath.. I’m like a level 3 empath and I don’t know if that is a curse or a blessing because sometimes I tap into other peoples self conscious way of thinking and it just annoys my anymore.. As if I don’t have my own tedious problems to worry about.

Usually, since my early 20’s i’ve been someone who really keep in shape (because I was obese growing up, and I was bullied, and humiliated […]

They don’t tell me things. But my dad got pneumonia and he’s in the hospital. Before he agreed to be brought to the hospital he looked like he’s dying and his symptoms are similar to symptoms of covid. The chances of him having it is high.

I’m surprised at me for not caring at all. He might die but he’s just like that random relative I see in birthday parties.

They don’t tell me. But if he really got covid the possibility of me getting it is also high since my mom and I took turns caring for him. I have untreated thyroid issues and […]

I miss sadness. Sometimes I think I might be addicted to the Idea of it. That feeling of being so internally dead, that nothing matters anymore. You no longer care what others think of you, they’re irrelevant. You no longer feel material attached to things. The constant thoughts about life and existence. 

Sadness has another side to it though of course. The constant emotional pain that physically aches, the sudden panic attacks that arise late at night, the hated of seeing how happy and carefree everyone seems around you. 

Being addicted to sadness almost feels like a Stockholm syndrome. I always feel more at home when I’m […]

Greetings, fellow site members.

I realize that today is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month and, as many helpful folks like the ones on this website have helped me battle suicide, I want nothing more but to return the favor.

I have been battling bipolar depression for almost four years. I wish not to put it in any further detail, but as the months passed by, friends, hotlines, and random website folks like you guys have gradually convinced me that it just isn’t the answer. It actually does get better. And as much as these people successfully conveyed that message to me, I want to convey it to at […]

You know what this was a weird two weeks no way is it that psycho. That some hot chick is so slighted that she drove by my work just to glare.

I was an accident. A daughter that was never planned. Why did they go through it? Why didn’t they just abort me when they’ll never treat me equally? Why disturb the unborn?

I have thought about not existing as long as i have been alive. My very first memory is of doing something to upset my sister and mom. They were my entire world. I hurt them. I thought i am a bad little girl. Don’t remember what i did but i know i did it on purpose. My punishment was being sent to my room. I thought to myself i wanted to die but i took it further. I did not want to die and go to hell cuz pain. Or die and go to heaven cuz not worthy. I just wanted to not exist, like […]

I am so fuckin tired and sick of this life, I wonder will it ever change

I hate that I can be out somewhere having fun, having a nice time, and trying to get drunk to forget my problems and always in the front of my mind I’m thinking about suicide. I don’t even feel tipsy even though I’ve drunken so much. We went to a golfing place and we were on the third floor and I just kept thinking if it would kill me jumping of the ledge from that third floor. I was surrounded by old coworkers and my boyfriend and still in my mind I thought I would be better off if I just sprinted off that ledge. […]

down below is some stuff i wrote for myself to read, it’s my attempt of exploring my relationship with suicide and death. i wrote this in a different language and i simply ran it through google translate, this might be unreadable, but i thought i should post something here once in a while.

everything i’ve wrote is deeply, deeply personal, i’ve never shared an analysis of my mind this personal and in detail before, on anywhere. i might come back and archive this, and also, i feel deeply insecure about my real age, i feel so bad for being this age because i feel like nothing […]

Pandemic is in a swing
Nightmares becomes dreams
A Holocaust is upon us
What a hell it will bring
Narcissists will becomes the normality
Feed that ego with toxicity
We all will lose our humanity
The world takes and it takes
You didn’t have to sell your soul to lose it
O, Cry Mercy, for the hell that awaits
When, we are punished for the crimes we didn’t partake
There’s a reserved seat for me, that’s full of torture
That will lead me to insanity
The world will break me down until it consumes me
6ft into the ground,when the world finally broke me

Screw it. Withdrawal jitters finally gone today.

I had a pretty bad day Thursday night. Last night of the week for me. I only put in 8hrs but by midnight I was having a full-on breakdown from stress/wd jitters/nausea/everything else. Texted some rambly awful crap to my roommate and, when quitting time came around, I just started walking towards home. Roommate drove into the parking lot after passing me on the road (didn’t see me), then txt’d me asking where I was. I just kept walking. She found me about half an hour later. She’s spent the last few nights hanging out with me making […]

🙁 feeling powerless and it’s overwhelming at this point.

I have BPD. Every few weeks I get angry at my boyfriend (Without a real reason) to the point that I break up with him and I tell him really hurtful things. I’m 25 and he’s 22, he’s really understanding all the time and he has the sweetest soul I’ve ever met. He knows that I have bpd and I’ve tried to push him away many times because I’m scared to hurt him. Everytime I have a breakdown I break up with him and block him on every social media and the next morning I regret everything I said and feel really bad. Honestly I […]

I was 11 or 12 when I started to consider that disappearing from all of it was an option.  I remember the first day I thought of it clearly.    I even made a feeble attempt that day as well.   Nothing happened from it other than being told that “that was stupid”.   The irony of that is it was an alcoholic parent that told me that,  The same parent who talked about killing themselves throughout my teen years.    We were expected to feel guilty about that.  It was just desire to get attention in my mind.

Well since then the idea of making myself disappear […]