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So I’ve run out of time and resources. I’ll be homeless very soon. Depression beat me and I’m giving up now because I have nothing left to fight for or to motivate me. Wishing everyone out there who still has a chance good luck. I hope you make it.
I don’t know, I’m lonely, I’m hungry, I’m too close to people, and I don’t feel like eating. I want to spend more money on fast food to make me feel better but I didn’t even eat all of the last wasted money. I don’t exactly make enough for this but I have a nice hoard as of now, I’ve removed most of it from reach. I can’t anymore I just can’t I hate me and I must express it. I don’t work nor do I even go to school, nor do I do anything of value to anybody of value.
Ive been having dreams with D in them lately.. some sincerely twisted shit which needs to stop. Probably because my bro told me what duma and him are getting up to and past has been on my mind.. its not part of my life anymore and i tried to do what i could, i dont need that popping up in my sleep.
But a few transitions after his appearance in last nights dream..
I saw a dear friend of mine, with his SO and joint family (some of whom are in reality deceased).
But he was talking with his son at some point, who’s my age. …
5 days ago i put the blade to my arm for the first time in my life. I was reading posts on SP, listening to music going through a depressive episode. My mind just said fuck it, wonder what its like cutting yourself. So i went ahead and did, with a razor blade. Make a few little cuts, got a rush, than overreacted and scared the shit out of my girlfriend. Made a post about it on SP, got a lot of advice and wisdom, but i was never the type to listen to anyone but myself anyway haha.
Fast forward 5 days and i have.. …
Evil. Everything I see is evil, inside and out. I won a great victory over my own demons today, but I feel no exhilaration. No sense of accomplishment. I do feel a little less twisted and torn up, which is nice, but mainly I just feel tired.
Thoughts and memories fly around in my empty, tired head. Thoughts of people I met, libraries I visited, librarians that taught me things, girls I loved, things I wanted. But it all flies in and out of my head, meaningless. I feel unreal, like the world has almost completely faded away from me. It’s a struggle right now to …
If anyone had a suicide-attempt related NDE (Near death experience) please be kind and share it with us?
Too many people pretend to care. If you care about someone and don’t hear from them for a while e.g 2 months, but you don’t try to contact them, its unlikely that you truly care. Then again, there’s people who ‘care’ for their own benefit who might contact you again somewhere down the line…
Ps. I am not claiming that I care.
RE a certain royal, I don’t like daily mail but I still read it… also no idea if any of this about her is actually true, anyway, society is infested with social climbers and users! Its definetly not only her (if its true)
Stop looking for meaning… stop stop stop stop, that’s over.
I’m what you would call a “high functioning” suicidal person. I’m able to force myself out of bed, get cleaned up, do just enough at work to not get fired, and make it home to my family at the end of the day.
I can feel the end of all this approaching soon. My family cannot see it, as I’m pretty good at hiding my feelings. But I know everything is about to fall apart.
Every day it’s harder and harder for me to perform at work. All I can think about is how much I just want to stop existing. Any day now word will come …
That somehow the day will come and you will eventually do it.
It doesn’t matter if you’re having a good couple of days or months. Or even years. It always comes back: the urge of ripping your skin out.
Of wanting to cut your wrist and just bleed yourself to death.
Of finally opening up that bottle of Vodka and mix it with all the benzos you’ve been storing.
It will come for all of us. Someday.
We will never be fine until we’re not here anymore.
That’s our fate and I crave for it more than anything else.
I always wonder what life is all about. After living a hellish one I think I finally figured it out. Life is just about our survival. Thinking that life is good or precious is one of our ways to survive mentally. We learned how to fool ourselves about the harsh reality of life to feel better. Life is just about losing. We are given the freedom to choose what we love but we can never have the capability of protecting it forever because the only thing constant in this world are loss and change. We keep on losing things, people or whatever we have that …
Ive been battling with depression and shit for a long time. Recently I started becoming really close with a friend of mine. Like. Too close. All I want is his attention these days cause it’s the only thing that makes me remotely happy. It’s not fair to him. And I don’t want to have feelings for this dude but I do. I’ve been struggling to keep from throwing myself over a cliff for his sake really. I don’t want to hurt him, but I don’t know if I can take anymore of this life.
My routine is basically sleep, wake up, stare at walls and in front of the computer screen all day, play video games then fetching my girlfriend when her class is finished. And that’s the only time I ever go out of the house is when fetching my gf. I’m basically a living corpse. I don’t know how much of this I can tolerate. It’s like I’m a part-time hikikomori or something.
for better or worse this site is my personal journal. tonight, at least in this moment, i am exultant. i mean earlier i restricted until i was shakey then binge ate. but very soon after a friend came over and…there’s nothing better in my mind than giving pleasure to another woman. it’s just the best. connecting with a brilliant beautiful someone and making her make, those noises. my third cigarette is almost done. time to drink some water, pause the music, and lay down next to her.
in the morning, when she leaves, it’ll all come back. the bullshit, the dilapidation and ennui. but tonight, jubilation, …
I don’t know why but I seem to want to have any conversation with anybody. It’s too bad I have no friends now. I need help. Anyone. God. Save me.
I don’t know what to do… I’m being assaulted from all sides… my safe haven is causing me to have panic attacks… I can’t look at myself in the mirror without a shirt on… I was nearly forced to come out to my parents by someone… I’m afraid for a friend who just blocked me in every way that I can communicate with her… I’m freaking out right now… this feels like a cry for attention, but I don’t know how else to voice it… please, I just need someone to talk to… ANYONE…
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